Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
