Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm too high and old for this...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
