i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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