oh god the rape fog is back!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
