dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
