I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
