when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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