Princesses don't give blow jobs
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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