he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
How does it feel to date your dad?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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