I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
