We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
