They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
