I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
