Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My underwear smells like fireworks.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
