we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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