Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
the day after is always just damage control
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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