dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
