i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
