Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
