shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
