this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
