My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
