Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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