exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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