Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
