First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
