the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
