Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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