I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
