So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
