I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Can't talk, ducks in the car
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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