She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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