I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
