I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
