remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
