On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
