ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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