I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
