my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
