You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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