My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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