Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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