I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
