My hand turned me down
I could make wine with my vomit
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
