chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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