yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
