i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
