i wish my penis had a tongue
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
