There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
