she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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