remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
