apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
